Ultimate sourpuss

Check out the look on the clock of the old dear at 47s in...

So apparently my attitude sucks

So apparently my attitude sucks, but I know that already.

Scored a complaint at work today about my attitude.  Surprised it took so long, really.

Whiny Clueless Manager: I've received a complaint from my staff about your attitude.

(Note - this isn't my manager, it's the manager of the Whiny Clueless Staff.  Why the hell she's even approaching me directly I don't know.)

Me: Really?  Over what exactly?

WCM: You're apparently being deliberately unavailable to support them when they need it, and you're supposed to be in a knowledge transfer and escalations position.

Me: Right, I know who you're talking about.  You should have said "Peabrain has been whining", it would have been quicker.  This is the person who e-mailed me earlier today and asked me for 2 hours of my time to explain something they should damn well already know, and I responded politely that I was willing to help, just book some time in my calendar.  Their response was to book a 2 hour timeslot, in between two other back to back meetings I already had.

WCM: Yes, is that a problem?  We're all busy.

Me: It is when I work in a building 20 minutes travel from the one they work in.  I don't even mind going for the walk on the grounds that it's easier to move me than 6 of them, and getting into my building is a pain in the arse because of the security requirements, but I don't have a teleporter to get there.  Or back to meet my preexisting following commitment, for that matter.  And I'll bet whatever you like that their meeting won't finish early.

WCM: Can't you do it via video conference?

Me: Probably, and I told them that.  Their response was to book a video conference capable room in a third building again, which is about 15 minutes travel in the opposite direction.  Same problem, no teleporter.

WCM: Ah.  But now they say you're delaying until next week?

Me: Depends on what you mean by "delay".  The timeslot they took was the sole remaining time I have for the rest of the week, because I'm in Sydney for a meeting all day tomorrow, and I'm smashed from start until finish for the rest of the week because some of the rest of the team are on a training course and one person is personal leave, so the rest of use have damn near a double workload.

I can't help it if other people who organise their time better got to me first, and I make no apology for being busy.  Don't even think of asking me to move another meeting, it's not going to happen.  If I do that for one person I have to do it for everyone, and everyone thinks they're the most important person in the place.  Most of them are wrong.

WCM: They say you can't be available until Wednesday next week now.

Me: Hang on, I'll forward you the e-mail where I advised my availability.  It says I'm available every single morning next week, that Wednesdays are not ideal, but I can miss the meeting I have for that day if there is nothing else that suits everyone.  That's pretty much the diametrical opposite of what they said.

WCM: Ah.

Me: So, to summarise, I've been helpful, accurate and accommodating within my ability to do so around other commitments.  They've been needy, untimely, disorganised, inaccurate, untruthful and need their jobs explained to them.

As such, my response to their complaint is "go fuck yourself sideways", and I'll be expecting an apology before I hear a further request for support from them.  Further discussion should be directed to my manager, and I assure you that that will be the second time he hears about it, because I'm going over to tell him what's actually going on as soon as I get off this call with you.

WCM: Ah.  Er... righto.  See your point, I'll pass that back to them.

Me: Excellent.  Tell them not to let the doorknob get them in the arse on the way out.


Certain aspects of this post may have been subject to some slight literary licence in the name of illustratory humour, but I assure you that every point in the conversation took place as described.

These things are sent to try us

Small home brew accident.  The black crap is turbo carbon, it's basically a slurry of powdered carbon in water and soluble oil.

Think thick, liquid graphite.

Now think about trying to clean this crap up.  >_<

Life hacks with Uncle Rob

Essential viewing for any bloke that wants to get stuff done quickly.
(e-mail readers, click the link at the bottom to see the embedded video.)

Moron of the week

People who vape are morons., but this guy is a special type of moron.

Bonus points for not taking his lip full of chaw out the entire goddamn time.

And another thing....

"Angel Colon" would have to just be the perfect name for someone shot in a poofter bar.

Another week, another muslim terrorist act

Woke up this morning to stories of a mass murder shooting in America.

It was in a poofter bar so I'm kinda conflicted on that one, but the biggest point of the story is... wait for it...

Wow, who would have thunk it?

Mateen [the raghead in question] made a 911 call before the attack identifying himself and pledging allegiance to the Islamic State, according to US law enforcement officials. IS has not yet claimed responsibility for the shooting, but jihadist-linked news agency Amaq said an IS fighter was behind it.

Not saying that all muslims are terrorists, but you know - ever notice how every time there's a terrorist, they turn out to be muslim?

I mean, you'd almost think there was a common thread to these attacks or something... if only the socialist liberal press and our broke-dick politicians could somehow make the connection...

Of course, a libtard politician like Obummer will no doubt blame guns.  'cos obviously an inanimate object is inherently evil and responsible for making otherwise well adjusted, rational people go out and commit mass murder, right?  And it would against the liberal agenda to be intolerant, unless it's intolerance of things conservatives support, in which case it's OK.

Perhaps we should licence or preferably ban pressure cookers too.

Or cartoons!  Mustn't have anyone running around loose with those, they might trigger someone!

Or... or... gee, what do we blame this one on?

Or these?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2014_Endeavour_Hills_stabbings
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2014_Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu_ramming_attack
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2014_shootings_at_Parliament_Hill,_Ottawa
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2014_Tours_police_station_stabbing
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2014_Dijon_attack
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2015_Chattanooga_shootings
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2015_Parramatta_shooting
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2015_San_Bernardino_attack

I wonder why all the perps had named that sounded something like Muhammad Raghead Youssef Abdulazeez Goatfucker?

Anyone?  Anyone?

Another day, another moron

Man, they're just lining up for it these last few days.

This morning's new example of bloody stupidity is a woman suing Ellen Degeneres for mispronouncing her name, for fuck's sake.

Yeah, I'm sorry love, but if your name is Titi Pierce, then guess how it's gonna be pronounced.

 According to the lawsuit, prior to being featured on the show, Ms Pierce has only ever been addressed as Tee Tee”.  It says Titi is a Nigerian name meaning flower and Ms Pierce has “strong, positive” feelings about her name.

It then goes on with a bunch of bullshit about how she's been ridiculed in person and in public, including random calls on her mobile phone.  Despite sounding like something a stripper would use for a stage name, the woman is (apparently) a fucking real estate agent, and the way her details were presented were to air a picture of one of an advertising sign she had stuck up in public... complete with her full name and mobile phone number.

I think Ms Pierce needs to take her Titis off somewhere else for a reality check.  I don't care how strong and positive her feelings are on the matter, if your name sounds utterly fucking ridiculous when pronounced in the language of the country you're in then you're going to be a laughed at.

I'm waiting for these guys to raise their lawsuits any day now.

Universal basic stupidity crushed

It probably won't be a surprise to most people that the Swedish referendum on the Universal Basic Income has failed miserably.

Apparently 78% of voters had some attribute of common sense that there's no free money tree out there, despite the 22% of people who seem to believe in pixies and fairy tales, and would probably vote for Bernie Saunders too if given the chance.

What would you do if one in five people thought it was OK to do nothing and expect for their lifestyle to be paid for by the hard work of others?

What we'd end up with is the socialist dream - everyone equal.  Although, of course, we'd still want the smart people to work harder, because someone has to invent cool stuff we want like smartphones, right?  I mean, how else would we organise rallies against "the man"?

Ever notice how socialism only ever breeds among the malcontents who think they're entitled to something for nothing, or more than they have worked for?  There's a lot of truth in the saying that if you're not a socialist at 20 you have no heart, and if you're not a conservative at 40 then you have no brain.  People tend to get touchy about other people wanting their stuff for free when it's the result of their hard work.

Stupid idea of the week

Here's your stupid idea of the week - today Switzerland is voting on an idea some delusional people are calling the "universal basic income".

Basically, the idea is that all citizens would be paid a base income of around $3,500 a month, regardless of what they do, down to and including nothing.  Proponents of the scheme argue that money is a "human right" and people should have their basic costs of living guaranteed.

They further propose that salaries would become "a symbol of appreciation" and this would allow people to be free to choose what they wanted to do, as opposed to being a wage slave in order to pay bills.

Those who chose to work and who earned above the basic income would have the monthly payment deducted from their salary.

These people would have to be some of the most crack brained socialist idiots you are ever likely to encounter in your life.  Freebies for everyone sounds like a great idea, what could possibly go wrong?  Let's list some of the more obvious issues, shall we?

• What's to stop people sitting on their arse, doing nothing, and still collecting their $42,000 a year?  Who is paying for that?
• Why would anyone in a job earning less than $42,000 a year bother to continue to work?  It costs money to get to and from work, buy work clothing etc.  They could incur less expenses and get the same income for doing less work.
• Why would anyone earning just over $42,000 a year bother to work?  40 hours a week plus all the costs and loss of person time when you're only going to be effectively paid the same as the lazy prick next door who doesn't bother?
• Who's going to do the crap jobs, like garbage collection, or overnight shift in a power station, or ambulance paramedic?  You'd have to pay these people sufficient money over and above the basic income to incentivise them to bother, so you'd need to pay a garbo about $100K.  Or, in other words, about the same as what they get paid now without a basic income component, but with a little more on top to encourage them not to just stay in bed and pull in the $42K for nothing.
• The same applies to hard demanding jobs, like mining, or being a doctor, or a cop.  You have to pay them the basic income on top of their current wage to get them to bother.
• And with all these wage rises, why won't prices simply rise to encompass the "free" money available, so a sandwich costs you $20 (wait until you see what one costs in an airport)?

Most importantly, where's the money coming from?  Even assuming a money tree has been located for immediate use, you're still going to need to pay someone about $85K to shake the bloody thing!

(This is ignoring the basic fact that a real world money tree would actually be a hyperinflationary thing, because money is only worth anything when there is a strictly controlled volume of it in circulation.)

This isn't Star trek, you fucking morons.  The reality is that work is something the overwhelming majority of people would rather not be doing, and while I'm sure that most people have hobbies, pasttimes and pursuits they would enthusiastically pursue is all of their free time, the reality is that painting pictures of flowers and playing video games doesn't produce anything that will feed, clothe or shelter anyone.

Apparently the organisers of this farce are aiming for about a 20-25% "yes" vote, with the goal of it becoming a reality in 10 years or so.  I'm quite sure they will get their 20-25%, because I'm willing to believe that that's about the proportion of lazy fuckers out there would would gladly do nothing if given the chance.

Until we invent safe room temperature nuclear fusion, the ability to mine asteroids for raw materials and the Star Trek replicator though, that's about as far as it will go because I also think most people are rational enough to understand that free shit doesn't fall from the sky.  Even your average dole bludging useless waste of space professional government welfare recipient understands that.

Barbecue beans

The handbrake is away for the weekend, let's make a big ol' pot of beans.

Ingredients:
Big can of 3 or 4 bean mix
2 cans of kidney beans
1 can of Heinz Big Red tomato soup.  If you can't get Heinz Big Red, don't bother trying until you can.
3-4 onions
Garlic, preminced or fresh (probably about 3 big teaspoons or so)
6-8 full rashers of bacon.  Do not feat the fat, fat is good.
2 cups brown sugar
1/4 cup vinegar (brown or white, but not red or flavoured)
3 big teaspoons dried mustard powder
Worcestershire sauce
Booze - a good glass of bourbon whisky

Optional:
Liquid smoke.  This stuff is the bomb, it's like all the flavour of a wood barbecue in a little bottle.  I use the Hickory version, but the Mesquite would be nice too.  You don't need a lot of this stuff, buy a bottle of each and stick it in your cupboard for man cooking.  I used about two teaspoons for the whole pot, it goes a long way.

Chilli.  I used some Blair's Mega Death, but you could use fresh chilli too.  I put about 4 small splashes in, then emptied the last of a bottle of Frank's in too.  This gives a nice bit of flavour with a little background hear, and I have plenty of Cholula ready to go on top if needed.  The nice thing about products like Cholula is that you can add plenty and enjoy the flavour, it's not very hot.


Method:

As Jeebs said in MIB II, let's make it happen, cap'n!.

Stick yer onions and bacon in a decent pot and cook down with a little splash of olive oil.  Ideally you'd like the bacon fat to begin to melt and render a little.  Never use pissy short bacon, get the tailed stuff and cook it for flavour.

Add the garlic and cook a little.  Watch out, garlic burns and becomes bitter if you show it too much heat.  I am lazy so I used preminced jars of garlic, but I put plenty in.

When you reckon she's right, deglaze the pan and stop everything cooking for a bit by showing it the can of tomato soup.  Don't toss the tin yet, you will need some more liquid soon, and the tin is the perfect way or doing it plus doing a nice rinse.

Add the brown sugar, vinegar, mustard powder and Worcester sauce.  I like quite a bit of Worcester, it has a nice fruity quality, and the anchovies add some salt.  If you don't have the original Lea and Perrins then I reckon Lancashire Relish is a more than acceptable substitute, it has a nice range of fruit flavours too.  I know it seems like a lot of sugar, but American style cooking often does have a slightly salty-sweet end flavour which is kind of umami combined with a bit of chilli heat.  Have a taste, if you think it's too sweet add more vinegar, but you don't want it tangy.

Add the booze.  If half a glass of bourbon seems a little extreme, don't worry as it will cook down, but the flavour is unmissable.  Buy the cheapest, nastiest bottle of radiator flush you can find at the local boozerama and keep it for stuff like this.  Goes well in steak sauce, too.

Now unlid yer beans and pour off any excess syrup, but don't drain them - that's flavour.  Bung the lot in and stir through.

Now is the time to contemplate the total liquid volume, and rinse your tomato soup tin out and empty in as required.  I like my beans to be moderately risotto-loose at the end of the cook, because I like the sauce.  But then again I also eat them out of a bowl with some shredded cheddar on top, not as a side dish - if you wish to experiment with the latter, then I recommend less initial liquid or you will be cooking the bastards down forever.


I do think you need at least an hour's cooking for everything to meld nicely, and if you're going to do it in a low-liquid format, think seriously about chucking the lot into the oven at about 150°C to finish without catching on the bottom, or crusting too much.  I recommend an oven proof pot for that, but that would require thinking about that waaaay before reaching this point, so I suspect your decision has been made for you by now.

Serve as a main with some shredded jalapeno cheddar, with a nice splash of the Cholula if you like, or as a side dish taken down to refried-beans consistency alongside a chargrilled steak or chicken breast brushed with some Nando's peri-peri marinade.  Yeah baby.


WARNING

Your family will not love you about 24 hours after eating a good batch of this stuff.  On the train the next day, it's the closest thing to biowarfare.

Nick Kyrgios gives himself the arse, saving the AOC the time

I see in the news this morning that Nick Kyrgios has had a dummy spit and decided to withdraw himself from potential selection for the Rio olympic* team.

I suppose Nick would like to think this is some sort of grand drop-the-mic flourish on his part, but in reality it's Nick attempting to save face before suffering the public embarrassment of the AOC overlooking him for generally behaving like a spoiled brat that they don't want representing the country in any form they can prevent.  It's pretty bad when Tennis Australia start describing your behavior as good compared to Bernard Tomic, who is another spoiled little brat with an ego that will only fit through a door sideways.

That, plus the fact that he's not good enough to win anything, anyway.

Still, with Andy Murray probably due to retire in a few years, I suppose there's a position to open up in international tennis for a self-important, narcissistic twat with an overly important opinion of himself to turn up, whine when he's not taken seriously, whine more when he loses, and collect his appearance fee for not doing much.

At least athletes like John McEnroe actually had talent to justify their behavior, but like like much of generation Y, Kyrgios appears to have a hard time differentiating between talking about how good his is about something, versus actually being able to demonstrate it.

Don't let the door get you in the arse on the way out, Nick.


*Yes, I am aware that it is theoretical convention to capitalise "olympic" and its derivations.  I don't agree with this because it depends on the wanky concept of a "proper noun" which is something that should have died out about a century ago, along with other Olde English fossils which modernity long since grew out of.  In reality, Olympus was a mythological mountain in which assorted Greek gods were supposed to reside, so I think I'll elect to give it a miss.

Some work required, but the brakes are awesome!

http://i.imgur.com/eYd0dg2.gifv

Pic of a mobile phone brought in for repair

"I had to solder the power socket back in because it was loose.  Now it won't turn on.  Fix it."