Thursday, May 23, 2013

Crap said by management of the world

Statement:  We’re unique in the industry in this regard.

Means:  Everyone else already understands it’s a pointless and dumb idea.


Statement:  We’ve had an excellent response to the initiative so far.

Means:  Nobody’s complained out loud.  That we’ve heard.  Or bothered to listen to.


Statement:  You’ve receive training on the new system.

Means:  You’ll get a 1-hour disjointed session on the beta version three months beforehand, so all the knowledge will have evaporated by the time you get your hands on it, and it will be totally unrecognisable by then due to feature creep, feature slip, and general manglement.


Statement:  We’ll pass on the e-mail addresses of key support contacts.

Means:  Any questions will be answered so slowly or arcanely you’ll be expected to come up with your own solutions.


Statement:  We’re always available to discuss any issues.

Means:  If you can prise us out of a three hour meeting when you desperately need an answer now.


Statement:  It would be a good idea to…

Means:  Why the hell aren’t you capable of reading our minds and figuring this out yourself?


Statement:  I understand this can be challenging.

Means:  I don’t understand why this is so hard for you.  Mostly because I have no idea how to do it myself, but being a manager, I assume anything my underlings do must be easy.


Statement:  I don’t think I’m the only person who has noticed you might benefit from some assistance.

Means:  When we have coffee, we talk about you.  Not well.


Statement:  I’m sure upper management have a vision for where we’re going.

Means:  I think they’re heartless disconnected bastards too, but while they control my pay there’s no way known I’m going to jeopardise that, regardless of what problems it causes for you.


Statement:  That’s a great idea, we’ll look at incorporating that into our procedures.

Means:  That’s the worst idea I have ever heard, but hopefully this will get you to stop talking and go away.


Statement:  Could you summarise that for me in an e-mail, to ensure I’ve got all the major points covered?

Means:  Could you please stop wasting my time and put your thoughts into a format I can deal with with one mouse click.


Statement:  I’m not sure the team’s focus is in the right place.

Means:  I have no idea what the team actually does or the challenges they face, because I spend my entire working life in meetings and going for coffee.  But I’m going to intermittently micromanage you anyway, because I think that’s what management means.


Statement:  Have you tried this approach to the problem?

Means:  Have you tried something you tested and discarded six months ago as useless, but I haven’t quite read that e-mail yet?


Statement:  Thanks for your contribution.

Means:  Thanks ever so much for finally shutting up, I haven’t had a coffee for at least half an hour.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

New carpet

I'm so getting one of these carpets.

The floor is perfectly flat and normal.