Random ticket drops into my work queue, raised with an IT template for a system that directs it to us, but the comments in the ticket are for nothing I am familiar with.
The requester is offline in mesaging. Ring the requester, messagebank. Leave message, after more detail, please call back. Ticket goes into hold pending client response.
Come in two mornings later to a snotty e-mail from some self-important helpdesk management dickhead demanding to know why the ticket hasn't been actioned and is in hold, don't I know the sky is falling?
I reply back with both barrels that:
(a) It has been actioned, fuck you very much.
(b) It's in client hold because the requester was not contactable when more detail was required.
(c) It's not a service or network outage that I recognise so it's a P3 ticket to me regardless of whose world is ending personally, and no I don't really care.
(d) Fuck you, you don't set my work priorities.
Now begins the inevitable e-mail war.
Helpdesk management dickhead: Can't I contact the requester RIGHT NOW and demonstrate some urgency?
Me: Well I could, but since it's 5am in the time zone where the requester lives, I'm not going to. Maybe they could reply to the message I already left for them, instead of whining?
8 o’clock local time arrives. Ring requester.
Me: Hi, calling about this ticket that makes no sense to me whatsoever, please enlighten me.
Requester: I’ve got some spreadsheet that I have no idea who wrote, and less idea how it functions, that pulls data from some unknown source, that isn’t working.
Me: Riiight. Just so you know, I'm from [insert_system] support, and I'm only looking at your ticket because you raised it with an [insert_system] template. I'm not sure your issue is related to [insert_system].
Requester: WELL I CAN'T WORK WITHOUT THIS. THE SKY IS FALLING, and it's just TYPICAL that you people don't care!
Me: It's largely true that I don't care, but that aside I'll fix it if it is my responsibility and within my ability to do so. The latter is somewhat compromised by my not seeing how your spreadsheet can possibly interact with the system I support, so I suspect your ticket has been misdirected. It was raised as an [insert_system] ticket, which is why it came to me. Who raised it using that template?
Requester: THIS IS ALL TOO HARD. I couldn't figure out what ticket template to use, so I just picked the first one, it's your problem to sort it out. (What a surprise, [insert_system] starts with A, so it is first in the menu.)
Me: OK, I'm going to reassign your ticket to the helpdesk as it's nothing to do with the system I support, so I can't assist you myself.
Requester: HOW LONG WILL THAT TAKE?!?
Me: I have no idea. I don't work for that team or under their processes. I have no idea who supports the tool you are using, or what they will need to do to assist you. Again, we're only talking at all because you raised the ticket with the wrong IT template.
Requester: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT I CAN'T WORK AND WE WILL MISS OUR DEADLINES! I'll be raising a formal complaint against you!
(Rightyho, gloves off then.)
Me: Yeah, good fucking luck with that. You'll be raising a complaint against someone who has no part to play in the resolution of your issue, because you have no idea how your tools work and you created the ticket incorrectly, weren't contactable when I tried to clarify the situation, and then added a day's delay to the process by not responding to the message I left. And that's all before I now have to pass the ticket back to the helpdesk, who won't have a fucking clue who to assign it to, because you can't tell them who developed or supports your mission critical system. Have fun with your complaint, my management need a laugh occasionally.
/Reassigns ticket to helpdesk with notes saying that there will be blood if I ever see the thing again.
