Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Life is [apparently] better without booze

news.com.au reckons that life is better without booze.

Let's examine why they are full of it.

1. Your health gets better.

Really?  I was planning to drop dead of cholesterol related heart disease secondary to eating everything I feel like eating, with sitting behind a desk 12 hours a day as a contributing factor.  I don't see how booze changes either.

2. Your looks improve.

I doubt it, matey.

3. It's easier to maintain the weight you want

The Handbrake and I  today made the decision to cut out all carbs and most fats, and actually eat sensible portions to stave off lap band surgery.  I doubt a few bourbons will achieve this one way or the other.

4. You have more time to get stuff done.

You're assuming I don't get stuff done while having a drink.  I draw the line at power tools at potential digit removal, but I am as equally productive with a glass of wine as without.

4b. You can even finish a book.

I read on the [enforced] train to and from work. I have no desire to write one.  Set me up, bartender.

5. You have more patience.

No, I quite assure you I will not.  I suffer lack of patience due to being forced to work with stupid people.  I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.  Guess which one is controllable?  Protip: not the one you'd like.

6. You find out who you really are.

Tree-hugging hippy crap.  I'm quite happy the way I am, thanks.  What makes you think that anything else is automatically an improvement?

7. You feel good about your life.

See above.  I rarely get hangovers, and if I do they are easily dealt with.  This is a just another form of trendy-speak rubbish designed to convince people that they're not responsible for their own actions.

Question:  what happens when you're completely sober and you discover you're *still* an arsehole or useless know-nothing hanger-on?

Ah, yeah.  Bugger.  Kinda counting on the get-out-of-gaol-free card there.

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