Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Why you can't use your device on the plane

This is sooo much better than the reality, which is that we're truly afraid that your utterly non-radiating iPhone in flight mode might somehow interfere with the four totally redundant executive computer systems on this $300 millon aircraft, but since we have no way of actually telling nor enforcing that you've turned the thing off or not, we adopt the Ostrich method of pretending you have because we've forced you to spend 20 minutes of your life in utter boredom with the thing shoved sullenly into the seat pocket.

Of course, what we're *really* trying to do is try to trick you into watching the "safety" briefing you've seen a thousand times before, by forcing you to undergo a mild sensation of sensory deprivation to the point where even a stewie performing a stylised dance with a belt buckle and strap and showing you how a whistle works is better than the soul-destroying experience of having to just sit there in livestock class.

We haven't worked out a way to prevent you from passively aggressively retaliating by reading the crappy flight magazine or just closing your eyes for a few minutes for a snooze, but don't worry - we're actively trying to figure out how.

By the way, in case the aircraft hits the ground travelling vertically downwards at 700 knots - your lifejacket is under the seat.  Pity the seat pitch is inadequate for you to actually get to the fucking thing, but hey - the only people that actually care are the FAA and our legal department.

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