Thursday, December 20, 2012

Things to say in the telecommunications industry when you haven't got a clue

Saying: I'll get it tested


Meaning: I'll get a level 1 tech to waste some time running a set of standard checks on it, although I know perfectly well that they're not going to find anything.  What I'm hoping is that is I stall you long enough, you'll actually do your job and find what you screwed up and fix the issue yourself.  We'll then end up closing the ticket as no fault found, and we both know what that means even if the management doesn't.



Saying: I can see some minor packet loss/jitter/flux capacitor oscillation/bunyip infestation


Meaning: Yes, all of which is entirely normal, quite expected, and none of which I have any intention whatsoever of doing anything about, including thinking about it.  When you start paying me $20,000 a month (and believe me, that's cheap) for a dedicated mission critical service I'll leap to your 10 millisecond break of service, even though it was just something failing over inside the network exactly as its designed to do.  But hey, for $20k I'm happy to pretend to care.  For $39.95 a month, you're lucky if I take the time to tell you to fuck off before I close your ticket.



Saying: Let's keep an eye on it


Meaning: Let's forget about it.  I did already.



Saying: Let's monitor it for a week


Meaning: Let's do the same as the above, but now I make a calendar entry to close your ticket after a week, because I'm still not thinking about it unless you come to me with more than some vague whining that you can't quantify and hope that I will for you.  Ideally what I'd like you to do is grow a spine and tell your end user a few truths about best effort networks, and explain that they bought a bus ticket, not a Ferrari.  While you're at it, you might want to explain to them that I'm not proactively swapping out $12k pieces of gear "just in case" when there are several hundred other services running off it with zero signs of problems and zero complaints, just to assuage their entitlement syndrome by being seen to be doing something.  I am doing something.  I'm ignoring what's not broken.  Suggest you might like to try it?



Saying: If this doesn't work, we'll try plan B


Meaning: I have absolutely no idea what plan B is.  This had better work or we're fucked.

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