Friday, December 3, 2010

Ran across this in my file archive

Stormtroopers Team Brief 24/8/06.
Meeting commenced sometime, a few minutes late.
A few people turned up, a few people couldn't be bothered.  One was later found hiding in the toilets, several are still missing.
  • The usual crap.   Blah blah operational plan blah blah, same manual task card for the 3,487th time, etc.
  • All team members reminded that while the building can be cold on nights and weekends, setting fire to sales staff to keep warm is NOT acceptable business practice as it knocks the carpetting around badly.
Minutes from the previous meeting
  • no one can remember being awake, let alone anything that was discussed.
  • Discussion cut short by one of the team leaving to file a harassment complaint against another one.  Further team development required.
  • All team members were reminded that they are all expected to show up occasionally.
  • If you're going to have a nice chat with a colleague, make it look businesslike - take a big folder, a handful of paper with numbers scribbled on it, a few MOLDS printouts (old ones will do), and make you sure pull a chair up to the desk.  Under no circumstances look like you are enjoying it, and you’re good for hours.
  • New competition announced for the stupidest excuse for the week for not showing up without actually getting fired for it.  Scott currently in the lead for his excuse of "the voices in my head told me to stay home and clean my guns."
  • Performance and queue numbers are much improved since the new practice was adopted of just closing cases without fixing anything, based on the highly successful field staff model.
  • All staff were reminded that fixing the customer's fault is entirely secondary to taking the opportunity to flog them something in Opportunity Knocks.
SME reports
  • All SMEs reported either 'nothing new', or delivered a highly technical, jargon filled report that no-one could understand and bored the pants off those people not part of the workstream.
  • People who had the temerity to ask questions were shot down using more jargon, delivered in a sarcastic prima donna tone of voice.
General business
  • Same reminders about e-mail and dBabble usage for business purposes that no-one pays any attention to.
  • New printers have been installed and are ready for use.  Yes, they are irritating to use - they were designed that way to cut down on paper usage.
  • Several new nonsensical and poorly though out processes announced.  These were promptly shredded by the team and all the weaknesses pointed out.  Team Leader pointed out that they are now part of your KPIs whether you like them or not, or indeed whether they make actually work or not.
  • Assorted complaints from the usual whingers in the team, which were ignored as usual.
  • Some random and poorly though out rant from an inarticulate team member who can't express themselves properly is shot down in flames by the rest of the team, and the team member made to feel stupid.
There being nobody left who gave a damn, sleeping team members were awakened and the meeting closed late.

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